What is Killing Your Relationship?

John Gottman, a researcher and clinician, founded the Gottman Institute dedicated to saving and enriching marriage relationships.
One aspect he looks for in marriages is the existence of what he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse which is a metaphor depicting the end times in the New Testament.ย They describe conquest, war, hunger and death.ย He uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that will kill a relationship.
Being aware of these communication styles in your marriage and correcting them can help save your marriage and bring a new connection between you and your partner.
What are the 4 Horsemen?
- Criticism – now this is not a complaint or disagreement with your partner , this is an attack, an attack on their character, who they are. The Gottman Institute explains the difference this way:
Complaint: โI was scared when you were running late and ย didnโt call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.โ
Criticism: โYou never think about how your behavior is affecting otherย people. Youโre just selfish! You never think of me! - Contempt – here we treat others with disrespect, ridicule them, call themย names.ย Here the recipient feels worthless.ย Gottman gives this example –
Youโre tired? Cry me a river.ย Iโve been with the kids all day, running around like mad, keeping everything going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play thoseย ridiculousย videoย games.ย Could you be anymore pathetic?โ
Gottman makes the note that contempt is the single greatest predictor ofย divorce.ย It must be eliminated. - Defensiveness – when we are defensive to our partnerโs questions, it tellsย them we donโt take their concerns seriously and we wonโt take responsibility
Gottman gives this example:
Question – Did you call Betty and Ralph today to tell them we are not comingย tonight like you promised this morning?
Defensive – โI was just too darn busy today. You know how busy myย schedule is.ย Why didnโt you just do it?โ - Stonewalling – this is when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutsย down or simply stops responding.ย Stonewalling is a result of feelingย physiologically flooded and we may not be in a state to discuss thingsย rationally.ย If so, stop the discussion and ask your partner for a break.ย Afterย you are calm then return to the conversation.
If you identify any of these 4 Horsemen trampling your relationship, reach out for help.ย You can go to the Gottman Institute (gottman.com) for more information or think about pursuing some marriage counseling.ย You and your relationship areย worth it.
If you identify any of the 4 Horsemen in your relationship, call us at 936-524-7523 or go to www.thecenterforhopeandhealing.net.