What is Killing Your Relationship?

John Gottman, a researcher and clinician, founded the Gottman Institute dedicated to saving and enriching marriage relationships.

One aspect he looks for in marriages is the existence of what he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse which is a metaphor depicting the end times in the New Testament.ย  They describe conquest, war, hunger and death.ย  He uses this metaphor to describe communication styles that will kill a relationship.

Being aware of these communication styles in your marriage and correcting them can help save your marriage and bring a new connection between you and your partner.

What are the 4 Horsemen?

  1. Criticism – now this is not a complaint or disagreement with your partner , this is an attack, an attack on their character, who they are. The Gottman Institute explains the difference this way:
    Complaint: โ€œI was scared when you were running late and ย didnโ€™t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.โ€
    Criticism: โ€œYou never think about how your behavior is affecting otherย people. Youโ€™re just selfish! You never think of me!
  2. Contempt – here we treat others with disrespect, ridicule them, call themย names.ย  Here the recipient feels worthless.ย  Gottman gives this example –
    Youโ€™re tired? Cry me a river.ย  Iโ€™ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad, keeping everything going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play thoseย ridiculousย videoย games.ย  Could you be anymore pathetic?โ€
    Gottman makes the note that contempt is the single greatest predictor ofย divorce.ย  It must be eliminated.
  3. Defensiveness – when we are defensive to our partnerโ€™s questions, it tellsย them we donโ€™t take their concerns seriously and we wonโ€™t take responsibility
    Gottman gives this example:
    Question – Did you call Betty and Ralph today to tell them we are not comingย tonight like you promised this morning?
    Defensive – โ€œI was just too darn busy today. You know how busy myย schedule is.ย  Why didnโ€™t you just do it?โ€
  4. Stonewalling – this is when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutsย down or simply stops responding.ย  Stonewalling is a result of feelingย physiologically flooded and we may not be in a state to discuss thingsย rationally.ย  If so, stop the discussion and ask your partner for a break.ย  Afterย you are calm then return to the conversation.

If you identify any of these 4 Horsemen trampling your relationship, reach out for help.ย  You can go to the Gottman Institute (gottman.com) for more information or think about pursuing some marriage counseling.ย  You and your relationship areย worth it.

If you identify any of the 4 Horsemen in your relationship, call us at 936-524-7523 or go to www.thecenterforhopeandhealing.net.