Are You a Close Family or Enmeshed?

White marble desk overlooking a balcony with a single sheet of paper displaying a question mark and a pair of glasses resting beside it. Symbolizes contemplation, decision-making, or seeking answers in family relationships.

We all want close families – a family that enjoys being together, being active together and a place we can go to for support. But sometimes closeness is really enmeshment and not the healthy functional family we think it is. If you come from an enmeshed family, you may be struggling with your relationships or marriage.

First, what is enmeshment?

Enmeshment is the lack of boundaries in a family where it is not OK for the children and adults to have differing opinions, to have different lives, and different needs.

How does enmeshment start? It may start when a child is chronically ill and the family focuses everything on the child. It may start when one of the members of the family has significant mental health issues and again this dictates how the family functions, thinks, feels, and uses resources.

Or it may develop because it has been passed down generationally.

If you are an adult trying to recover from an enmeshed family, here are some typical symptoms you might be experiencing:

You don’t have a strong sense of who you are.
You don’t think about your needs, but instead focus on what others need.
You make sure that your goals are in line with what your parents want for you without considering what you need.
You feel guilty about your need for space.
You avoid conflict and don’t know how to say “no.”
You feel you must solve the challenges your family members face.*

If that is you, what do you do? Well, you have to first recognize that it is OK to have boundaries – that it is OK to need your own space, to have needs that are different from your family of origin. You are not being selfish.

Begin practicing knowing what your needs and wants are. And this may not be self-evident if you grew up in an enmeshed family. Take small steps. Set your phone alarm to 3 times per day. When the alarm goes off, ask yourself “What do I feel”. This exercise will help develop knowing what you feel.

Be aware of small preferences you have. Such as, at meals, ask yourself “What would I like to eat”. You may end up not eating that if you are working with a family but be aware of what you would like. Then practice being aware of what you would like or need in other larger situations.

Setting boundaries is the foundation of getting out of enmeshment. Boundary setting is not a rejection of your parents or family. It might feel that way to them in the beginning but it is not. It is simply you saying I need this space, or I choose not to share everything with you (because it is more appropriate to share with my friends). I have different rules in my current family or relationship than in my family of origin.

Boundaries are communicated with respect and love. I am not rejecting you, I am simply meeting my preferences in a different way. Conflict may arise which can feel uncomfortable to you. Rehearse in your mind what to say if conflict comes up. Or work with a therapist to find the best ways to work out the conflict.

This is all easier said than done. It will take time for you to begin to change those ingrained patterns you have in relating to your family.t

Take courage! It will take time and many small steps but at the end, you will know yourself better, be able to communicate your boundaries, and have better relationships in your current family and in your family of origin.